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Assertiveness Training
I suppose this follows on from yesterday’s post and is something I’ve been thinking about for a while.
I lack the assertive gene. Or actually, I think I have about the normal level of assertiveness… But sometimes, in business you need a little more than an average assertiveness score.
I have managed to toddle along building relationships on the basis of trust and mutual respect. 99% of the time, this is the most rewarding and awesome work environment to be in.
But 1% of the time, I’m left feeling like I just got trampled and had no idea it was coming and nothing in my toolset to deal with it. I get emotional, I cry, I just do what I can to make the situation positive again… Even when I’m doing myself no favours in the process.
What I want to learn is how to take a deep breath, and in the moment, phrase my thoughts in a confident, sensible, unemotional manner. To get my point, my disagreement and my unhappiness across without sounding hysterical or without having to bury my issues and pretend all is well.
Some people do this well. Some people confuse assertive for aggressive. I would rather stay on the weak side of assertive. Actually what I would rather do is cut that 1% from my life, but I’ve been doing that for years and need to grow up a little.
Being more assertive is my new years resolution.
Hello, my name is Natalie, I have a business called 
March 3rd, 2010 at 7:02 pm
It can be as simle as taking that deep breath and doing all that you say. The trick is remembering and being confident about the fact that you are good at what you do and are right and reasonable about the points you are putting accross. Confidence will come over as assertive with many people. There are bad peole out there who will take advantage no mater how confident or assertive you are, especially if they are in a different country. You’ve had the misfortune to find two if them! You are good at what you do, operate in a professional way and that brings respect from reasonable people, don’t change too much!
March 4th, 2010 at 3:01 am
Well as someone who works for a large bank dealing with lack of trust/consequences of this in terms of getting things done, it seems difficult to give advice. I wax and wane between being a sociopathic cynic about the possibility of delegating and disengaging from the issue.
Maybe you need to vent to someone/some punch bag for 10 minutes, a trainer taught me pretty well ‘cut the drama’, focus on the issues which are real and clear. I recently had a big moan about a course I was doing. Sent it to one person, and then had the perspective to do constructive things about it.
Not implying that there are constructive avenues to resolving your situation but having the emotional strength to draw a line under unpleasant experiences is very valuable. While being easy to say and hard to do!
March 5th, 2010 at 2:45 pm
Yes! One of the key things I do is write really angry rant email replies, then save them, go home and come back the next day… Delete 99% of the email, remove the ranting elements and send through the key points.
But you know how there are some people who seem to exert authority and confidence that they are 100% right. I wish I could do that when I AM right!!!
March 5th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
Yes there are those people but the fact remains the other person’s paradigm may also be valid.
I think it’s about having the respect for the other person’s point of view and giving them opportunity to express it. But there is also respect for yourself and having the courage to be unambiguous and candid in your response. Having empathy for the other person is a function of the quality of the relationship and trust present… neither of which you have in spades with the one-off clients so you could pre-filter or do some research as part of the initial client assessment? How could you ask questions that would red-flag bad intent?
oh now I’m just rambling…